Isle of Wight Citizens given Diplomatic Immunity

Following a debate that ran into the early hours of this morning, the Isle of Wight Council has narrowly voted in favour of granting all residents of the Island diplomatic immunity.

The surprise move comes after a recent report by the Association of Chief Police Officers indicated that up to 12,000 police officers are to lose their jobs. Many of these redundancies are likely to affect the Isle of Wight.

In a bid to ensure that the reduced police force on the island can cope with their obligations, the council will, from 1st April 2011, bestow the status of diplomatic immunity on all residents currently registered on the electoral roll.



Read More...

Isle of Wight to Secede from the UK

Councillor for Cowes, Mr David Pugh, has vowed that the Isle of Wight is to secede from the UK due to a row over the new Pound coin, however, he is keen to stress that this has nothing to do with Brexit.

Island residents prefer the coins from 1935 to the new ones.

"Our desire to secede from the United Kingdom has nothing to do with Brexit," the councillor said in a statement this morning. "I cannot stress this enough. We do not want to leave the UK and join the EU, as their coins are even worse than this new-fangled pound coin London is trying to foist off on us."

A recent estimate by Beryl in accounting has indicated that changing to the new pound coin would cost the island thirty-five billion pounds, money the island can ill afford.

"We need to change all the parking metres," said Pugh. "As many are aware, parking metres are the major source of income on the island, funding everything from social services to the audiobooks of Harry Potter in Ventnor library."

As well as parking metres, the ATMs on the island are the only ones in the UK that dispense pound coins, and these too would need major overhauls to allow the new shape to be stored. Pugh is hopeful that the banks themselves would pay for this refurbishment. However, IoW U, the island's largest bank, is adamant that this is not the case.
 
“In the banking crisis of 1934, the island government bought out the bank,” said bank CEO, Charles Moneypenny, 66, told the IoW News. “It was expected that they would return the bank to private hands at some point, however the receipt was lost in the war, so it’s remained in the Island’s hands ever since.”
 
Another major income stream, the vending machines, would all also need switching over to the new pound coins.
 
“The cost is too high for a small company like ours to contemplate,” said Vinny Vendor of Ventnor Vendor Vending Machines, located in Ryde. “We will be seeking assistance from the Island council.”
 
Many of the Island’s more than a thousand residents are backing Pugh’s approach to the new pound coins.
 
“We don’t like change,” said Phyllis Bathnight, 108, of Yarmouth. “Never have, never will.”

Womble family sue 2017 for being too modern

A family from Ventnor are trying to sue 2017 for being too modern.

Mr and Mrs Womble last week

"There's a natural order in the universe," said father of two, Dick Womble. "And that's the order ordained by God."

According to Mr Womble, the invention of indoor plumbing, supermarkets, television and the internet are not in the Bible and therefore ungodly and to be shunned. Whilst the Isle of Wight is still part of Europe Mr Womble will be petitioning the European Courts so that he may sue 2017 for existing.

"Our children have had to share a school with boys who wear dresses," Mr Womble said. "My wife and I are disgusted."

"I'm disgusted," said Mrs Henrietta Womble, "at everything my husband has said."

"Where in the bible does it say that men wear dresses?" Mr Womble demanded. "Apart from the children’s one that shows Jesus and all his disciples in a frock? And all those bishops and popes and vicars in dresses. We blame the internet."

"The internet," said Mrs Womble, "shows us the rest of the world."

According to the Wombles, the Internet lets people see what other people think, and this is obviously a bad thing.

"We should be told what to think by God," said Mr Womble. "Through his intermediaries here on Earth who are just and godly."

The previous three priests that the Wombles prayed with have all been arrested for sexual offences.

The Wombles have cited that all this modernity, especially the realisation that there is more to biology than the Janet and John explanations in High School, is confusing to children brought up solely on a diet of simplified religion.

"Our Book provides all the answers anybody needs," Mr Womble. "As long as they don't have actual questions."

Mr Womble also refuses to admit that there is more than one Book, and that the stories within his own Book are as likely as those in the comic 2000AD.


"We wish to return to a more holy existence," Mr Womble said. "A time when we didn't have electricity, running water, flushing toilets, schooling, indoor jobs without heavy lifting, women in work and divorce. People have often said that the Isle of Wight is stuck in the fifties, well I don't think that's far enough back, we should be living in pre-Roman times! That was the time when everybody followed the Bible."


Mrs Womble looked at her husband, tutted and left with her bags.