This is a satirical look at the Isle of Wight. It is a good natured poke at island life. It is a slice of the stories from The Spoof, a satirical on-line newspaper. There are various contributors.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

New postage stamp to depict the island

The new First Class stamp
The Post Office are set to issue a new range of stamps for avid collectors everywhere depicting the islands of England and Wales. It was determined that there were too many islands in Scotland to use those. The Isle of Wight will be the face of the first class stamp, an honour indeed for the island. The Second Class stamp will be the Isle of Man, something we on the island have known for a long time.

Other stamps in the series will depict Anglesey, Lundy, St Michaels Mount and Lindisfarne with Jersey and Guernsey reserved for the higher denomination stamps.


Sunday, 19 December 2010

Clampdown on "Boy Racers"

Too fast! Slow down!
Isle of Wight police chief, Tony Hipshoulder, wants to clamp down on what he terms a "modern plague on our beautiful island".

"Over the past few years," said Hipshoulder, "we have been getting an increase in the number of reports of young people tearing along the A3054 between Yarmouth and Newport. Although the speed limit on this road is sixty miles an hour, Shalfleet has a thirty mile an hour restriction, and this is being blatantly ignored. If this carries on, then we are sure that somebody will be hurt."

When police are stationed on Mill Road, word obviously gets around, for nobody speeds through the village.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Wearing Sunglasses Risky

Isle of Wight - Local residents visiting London have started making attempts to be more fashion forward when visiting the British capital by wearing sunglasses.

Wearing dark glasses regardless of whether or not the sun is out appears to be the key, but readers are cautioned that this new fashion direction is not without risk.

Colin Farney and his wife Lois recently returned from a shopping trip to Brent Cross Shopping centre and brought home a lovely plaid blanket and some trivets while visiting with their daughter Jennifer, who has been living in Bethnal Green for some time now.


Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Lonely Hearts

Men Seeking Women
Love is in the air
Ventnor man, early 50s, NSOH, seeks 20-something woman for dog, er, walking. Box 52.

Newport professional bachelor, 29, is it worth mentioning premature baldness? No, probably not, leave that bit out. Seeks non-judgemental woman 25-35, NS with GSOH. Box 19.

Ryde man with one leg called Dave (the other is called Alan), recently divorced, aged 62, GSOH, loves walking with Dave and Alan, seeks recently widowed woman with differently named legs. Box 2.


Sunday, 12 December 2010

"IT Guy" Course to be Offered

"IT Guy" Diploma a First
Council Leader David Pugh was on hand today at Isle of Wight College for the grand announcement of a new "IT Guy" course.

Pugh said "This is the first step for the island to diversify from a tourism based economy to become known as a technological centre to attract computer based industries."

"While many colleges and Universities offer full fledged Computer Science Degrees or Computer Engineering we have done market surveys and the jobs are going to "IT Guys" first."


Saturday, 11 December 2010

Pugh Plans Autobiography

Pugh cuts a ribbon every time he opens his front door
Isle of Wight Council Leader David Pugh held a press conference today after attending a ribbon cutting at a new eatery in Sandown to announce that he will be taking some time off in the New Year to write his autobiography.

"There is a time for all things and I feel that despite my need to serve my constituents by attending ribbon cuttings and photo opportunities related to essential new facilities there is only so many hours in the day. By writing my autobiography now I will be better able to reach out to all my constituents and share with them more on a more personal level than afforded by public ceremony, despite how special these events are to you and me."


Thursday, 9 December 2010

Going for a record

Improved transport links will be required
The Wight Hotels and Tourism board (WHAT), are hoping that their latest initiative will help them get into the record books and prove a long standing urban myth.

The urban myth in question is that the whole of the world's population could fit onto the Isle of Wight.

"Obviously," said WHAT spokeswoman, Mary Contrary, "there are a few wrinkles that we would need to iron out. Namely, there's nowhere for six and a half billion people to stay while on the island, and transport links would struggle to transport that many people here. Plus, some people probably can't come, as they are in hospital."

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Botanical Garden Lift Problem Identified

Ventnor Botanical Gardens
Yet another twist has surfaced in the ongoing saga of replacement of the lift at the Ventnor Botanical Garden.

It seems that the delegated decision made by Cllr George Brown to authorize the replacement of the beleaguered lift may have been a bit hasty.

Further investigation has revealed that the Italian designed Maspero lift includes it's own solar powered electricity supply which Maspero also designed and has used successfully on lifts installed in Italy and Spain.


Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Advertisement: Lady Gardeners

Lady Gardeners: You'll ask us to come again and again
The following is an advertisement

Lady Gardeners understand that women who live alone sometimes prefer if their hired help are not men, and our team of extra friendly women are on call seven days a week to visit where you need us most.

Lady Gardeners can visit you in your home at your convenience, we offer the highest service and understand your needs and how to achieve your desires. We'll freshen you up for spring, or tidy you up for winter.

Lady Gardeners can tidy your bushes, care for your lawns and tame your jungle. We will never put anything in your garden you don't want there, but all of our customers call us back, because we know what they want in their garden.


Saturday, 4 December 2010

Hoping for a Wight Christmas

Sent in by text last year, burrrilliant
Like everybody on the Isle of Wight, we are hoping for a White Christmas.

We didn't have one last Christmas, but the signs are good that the snow afflicting the mainland will reach us just in time for the festive season. Please note, this is not a weather forecast, and any bets placed on this prediction are entirely at your own risk!

With the Christmas lights now twinkling in the Newport pedestrianised area, we already look quite Christmasy, and our thoughts turn to the Christmas Card competition.


No News Tomorrow

For the first time since we went on-line the Isle of Wight News will not be publishing news tomorrow.

We are afraid we got a little ahead of ourselves last week outing the story of massive job losses at the Isle of Wight Council at County Hall not to mention the cold snap that gave us an early winter.

So talking amongst ourselves and looking around the island we thought it best to give it a rest with the news being over reported and there not being much on the radar screen to compete with recent events.

No news is good news they say.

Hope all is well with you and yours. While things look good from our end don't hesitate to call us in the unlikely event that some news takes place tomorrow (ed.).

Identity Thieves Target Elderly

Marjorie Stevens Upset with Thieves
Identity Theft seems like a problem of the computer age but more and more non-computer users seem to be targeted. The elderly in particular are increasingly reporting becoming victims of this new crime.

Marjorie Stevens of 10 Bettsworth Cresent has lived her whole life on the island and speaks from experience having been the victim of an attack just last week.

"I was shopping and had not so much as got out of the car and set foot in the grocery store that I forgot what I had come to shopping for. I was just standing there talking to that handsome young man Cory who pushes the carts back in about the weather when they attacked, they must have seen me coming."