Disclaimer

This is a satirical look at the Isle of Wight. It is a good natured poke at island life. It is a slice of the stories from The Spoof, a satirical on-line newspaper. There are various contributors.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Isle Of Wight's Most Wanted Evades Capture Once Again


Master criminal and Isle of Wight's most wanted man, Curly O'Halloran evaded police yet again, after a four hour siege in a barn on the outskirts of Shanklin.

The wily thief had recently robbed a bakery van and fled to the secluded barn, with the islands police in hot pursuit. Armed response units were called, and a siege situation took hold.

Fearing that the siege could last days, with O'Halloran bedded in with more than enough baked goods to last him a fortnight, police officers worked hard to try and talk the thief out. But their attempts were in vain.

Unbeknownst to them, O'Halloran was hard at work in the barn constructing his get-away vehicle, using items he found laying around inside.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Public Toilet Menace

The public toilet at Ventnor
After the news last week that the public lavatory in Shanklin had been left to go feral, it appears that it has formed a pack of feral public toilets roaming the east coast of the Island.

According to eye witness accounts, this pack of feral public toilets is catching the unwary unawares.

"It started with the Shanklin Public Lav," said Carl Parker, councillor in charge of Parks and Parking, and now Toilets. "Due to budget cuts, the toilet had been left uncleaned for a month, and it turned feral."

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The number 852 bus to be removed


Sadly no longer with us
Residents of Ryde are up in arms today after the shock revelation that the number 852 bus is to be removed from the schedule.

"This is intolerable," said Jasper Featherington-Wright, 89. "The 852 is the only bus that connects Ryde to Newport. If we want to get to Newport now, we have to catch the 153 to Cowes and then the 99 to Newport. Intolerable! This adds an intolerable two and a half hours to any bus journey to Newport. Intolerable! It's a good job I go everywhere by car, isn't it?"

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Unfortunate porpoise cannot be saved

A lesser spotted stranded porpoise
Rescuers who attempted to rescue a stranded porpoise have come under intense criticism from animal rights activists for their methods in returning the unfortunate creature back out to sea.

"The stranded porpoise was found on a beach near Brighstone," said animal rights spokesman, Anna Maltesting. "Stranded porpoises are quiet resilient. They could have rolled it back into the water. Now had it been a harbour porpoise then they would have had to be more careful."

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Monday, 29 August 2011

Flying Teacups Over Solent

Sightings are increasing
Residents of Newtown were treated to an unusual spectacle over the weekend as a series of unidentified flying objects were seen hovering over The Solent.

Longtime resident Emma Sandstrom, eighty-three of Dovercourt Crescent, says this was no ordinary UFO sighting.

"We are used to the regular saucers and such which are as common as a stray dog around here on clear nights but this was none of that."

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Saturday, 6 August 2011

Weekend Rioting at Puckpool Park

Result of Google search for "Youngs Rocking Police Car"
Rioting broke out this weekend late Saturday outside of Puckpool Gardens in Ryde. The riot began with local youths who are believed to have over indulged at the Puckpool Tea Garden after a long afternoon of mini-golf and P├ętanque.

The two Ryde youths now in custody, Jason Youngs and Karl Fettling, both 17, have no prior convictions and are believed to be good students. Youngs and Fettling thought they would end their day with a bit of tomfoolery by rocking a parked police car.

Tom and Ben Harder who farm near Yaverland were in for the visiting for the day at the Gardens noticed the youths struggling to rock the car and immediately volunteered to assist the young gentlemen in overturning the cruiser.


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

David Pugh was a victim of phone hacking

Alison at her exchange
Councillor for the Isle of Wight, David Pugh has come forward as yet another victim of the Snooze of the World Phone Hacking Scandal.


"It came to light that journalists were listening in on my telephone calls late last month," said Pugh. "Alison, the receptionist on the island had been taking bribes from journalists so they could listen to my conversations."


The Isle of Wight is the last place in the world where all calls are routed through a single, manually operated telephone exchange. The exchange has been a tourist feature since 1972 when the large glass window was installed, but Pugh is angling to have Alison replaced by a computerised exchange.


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Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Chain Ferry prices set to increase

The new prices are now displayed
There is anger in Cowes as news emerges that the chain ferry tariff is set to increase from next month.

The chain ferry that has been in operation for over a hundred years almost continuously, give or take the occasional break down (the last lasted nearly nine years), is a vital crossing point for motorists wishing to avoid the half hour journey around from one side of Cowes to the other.

"This is disgraceful," said local resident Harold Barrelled, 64. "I've been an avid user of the chain ferry for the past seventy years, and to suddenly announce a price hike is outrageous. It's not like there's any reason for a price increase! This is profiteering on a massive scale! Whatever next? Will they charge for breathing in the sea air?"

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Sunday, 29 May 2011

Manhunt for Suicide Bomber Intensifies

Mattresses landed as far away as Wootton
Ryde - The shocking explosion set off by what police believe was a suicide bomber in a local mattress factory has set off one of the largest manhunts in recent memory to track down and apprehend the villain.

News of the explosion has only surfaced recently due to material evidence discovered. Most likely the large numbers of mattresses in the factory muffled the sound of the explosion and the explosive effect of the bomb but the potential consequences were no doubt lethal if the explosion had taken place in public.


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Friday, 22 April 2011

Annual Pommel Horse Polo Match a Draw

Daisy, the retired pommel horse
The annual Pommel Horse Polo match between Wooton and Cowes was held Sunday at Wooton Bridge with both teams struggling valiantly to hold out for a draw. Wooton captain Neil Harcourt said "While Cowes has more experience we have newer pommel horses so we knew it would be close."

This is the tenth year that the match has taken place with all matches so far ending in a draw.

Umpire Javier Scarza explained that players are evenly matched, he knew it could be anyone's game when he bowled out the first ball between the players and their mounts.


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Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Children of Wootton get a wall

The wall is made from reclaimed brick
Two years after taking away the play equipment in the rec just off Gamble Lane in Wootton, the council have finally relented to people-pressure to return facilities to the park.

What they have provided is a wall.

"It's a nice wall," said local resident, Jessica Montgomery, 12. "But it's not a swing or a roundabout or a seesaw. It's not even a tyre on a rope."

The old play equipment was taken away when it was determined that it was too dangerous for children to play on. 

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Monday, 21 March 2011

Traffic lights to be automated

Frank in 1979
The budget cuts sweeping the UK are not leaving the Isle of Wight out, with the Island council asked to trim their budget by twenty percent, or nearly five hundred pounds.

One of the more tragic cuts is the enforced early retirement of Frank Exchange, 59, of Newport. Frank has been changing the lights on Georges Lane in Newport since they were installed in 1979. He has been a familiar figure every day between seven and seven, rain or shine, in his booth at the side of the road. In order to save money, Frank will be replaced by an automated system.

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Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Isle of Wight Mardi Gras under fire

This year's parade will have floats
Isle of Wight Councillor David Pugh has come under fire for renaming the Isle of Wight Spring Festival the "Isle of Wight Mardi Gras". This carnival and tourist attraction is to be held on the ninth of April and this has angered local pedants.

"The Spring Festival has been called this in all the years it's been running," said local resident Nick Erlastic. "About five years now. How dare they decide on a whim to rename it? And on top of this, they've renamed it to Mardi Gras. Do these people not speak any French?"

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Political Unrest Expodes Across Island

F on a double, and 50pt bonus!
Ventnor - Public sentiment against David Pugh's Inaction Plan and possible implementation of government restraint measures has reached a fever pitch across the island with public skirmishes and demonstrations of show of force against the government taking place in most major cities outside of the capital Newport which remains firmly in government control.

Rebel leader Marjorie Stevens, seventy-seven of 2 Bettworth Crescent, announced "It's high time elected councilmen looked to see which side their bread is buttered on."



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Surfeit of Gnomes

Lots of gnomes are scarier than one its own
It is unbelievable, but it has happened again. Once more the island has been inundated with far too many garden gnomes.


Islanders will remember the 1972 Garden Gnome surplus that saw three garden gnomes for every man woman and child on the island. Back then, the surplus was mopped up by the creation of the Garden Gnome Garden in Ventnor. However, there is no more space in the GGG to put any more gnomes, and the Island Council are at a loss of what to do.


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Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Ryde Protests over submerged rail station

Artists impression of a flooded station
Residents of Ryde are up in arms over the location of Ryde Pier Head rail station according to Google Maps and SatNavs.

"If you look on Google Maps or on your SatNav," said Ryde council woman, Hillary Dale, "you can plainly see the station is in the sea. About     five hundred metres out. Or is that feet? No matter."

Local residents fear for visitors to the station, who might end up in the water trying to reach the station. The popular station that runs services from the head of the pier into the centre of Ryde, is in fact not in the sea, but on the pier itself. Local residents want signs putting up, warning about the dangers of attempting to drive off the end of the pier.

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Saturday, 5 March 2011

Newport Lifeguards to be Axed

Newport Lifeboat has the longest run to the sea in the world.
Plans by the ruling Conservative Group at County Hall, to axe the lifeguard service in Newport, have been branded as negligent by the Independent Group of Councillors whose members represent seaside wards all over the Island.

Average cost of one fatality estimated at £1m

A spokesperson for the group, Cllr Chris Welsford said "Tourists rightly expect a safe experience when visiting our main seaside resorts: Ventnor; Sandown; Shanklin and Ryde, however the lifeguard service was founded in Newport and has always had the best record for safety for beachgoers on the island."

 

Monday, 28 February 2011

No casualties after Snow Plough Rampage

The plough can reach speeds of 30mph!
The snow plough that was being taken from Newport to Ryde over the weekend fortunately saw no casualties during its eight hour rampage down the A3054.

Witnesses doing a spot of late night shopping at Tesco say that they saw the fifteen ton bright yellow machine careering down past Whippingham and hurtling across Wootton Bridge heading toward Binstead.

"I was feared for my life," said Mavis Davies, 62 and resident of Wootton Bridge for seventy-five years. "I barely got across the road in time on me Zimmer frame as it bore down on me."

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Sunday, 27 February 2011

Inaction Plan to be Implemented Soon

Pugh Demonstrates how the new plan will be actioned
David Pugh has announce a new initiative that he hopes will help put Islanders to work while helping to eliminate government waste of taxpayer's dollars through needless government programs. Dubbed the "Inaction Plan", Pugh's initiative has been a long time coming according to Newport resident Ron Southward.

"There is no question that government can do things better and at less cost, it's the human side of things that has to be considered."

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Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Arson suspected in chippy fire

Fire fighters were still there in the morning
Hopeless Street chip-shop in Ventnor is the centre of a police investigation after a fire broke out there at 10:30pm Monday morning.

Regular Isle of Wight News readers, and even some of those with constipation, will recall our recent survey to find the island's be'st chippie's. Hopeless Street chippy was in the final three. Police suspect that the owners of either Ventnor Tandoori and Traditional English Chips And Curry or The Plaice in Newport may be responsible in an effort to reduce the competition, and will be keeping a close eye on both establishments.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Chain Ferry out of action; Again!

The ferry on the one day last year it worked
The chain link car ferry that connects Cowes to East Cowes is out of action, yet again.

Severe weather on the island over the past few weeks has resulted in localised flooding around the chain link ferry connection points. This follows on from the ferry being out of action during a large portion of the summer due to chain expansion in the heat.

"This is getting seriously silly," said local resident Humphrey Dumphrey, 47. "I am a regular user of the ferry to get from my house in East Cowes to my job as a milkman in Cowes."
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Sunday, 23 January 2011

Malaria Orgasm Mystery on Isle of Wight

Cheryl started feeling a bit poorly, like
Fans of petite geordie lass Cheryl Cole were shocked and stunned today to hear that she had been rushed to hospital from her Surrey home with Malaria. Doctors worried for her health have ordered her to cancel all appearances for the time being.

Having collapsed at an Isle of Wight photoshoot - she was admitted in the early hours of the morning. 


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Meeting of the IOW Ladies Magic Circle

The meeting was held at the Clove and Hoof
Yesterday evening the IOW Ladies' Magic Circle met for the annual general meeting in the upstairs meeting room above Clove and Hoof public house in Ryde.

The meeting was opened by the chairperson Mrs. Helen Earth and commenced with the traditional chanting and guttural screams of the Circle anthem "Do you rue Salem". This was followed by the ritual placing of goat horns on the wall-hung pentagram with it's motto Rege Satana Vale.

Before the meeting was called to order Mrs.Juno Watt the Official Custodian of Grimoires and Great Conservatrix of Ritual pointed out that the horns were 5mm out of place and that Mrs. Earth should really have made a sign of the inverted cross and vomited frogs.


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Treatment Plant Open Day a Success

A possible new tourist attraction?
For the first time since its opening in 1897 the Cowes sewage treatment plant was able to signal a red-letter day last Saturday 17th July. Having been temporarily closed for a complete refit to bring it up to the most modern standards of ISO15002 and the exigences of health and safety law the reinstatement of normal function was celebrated by a public open day. As of Monday 19th all discharge into the Solent will have ceased and it is hoped that normal bathing on beaches in the north Wight area will resume by the 26th currents permitting.


Visitors arrived in the teens and the short queue was impatient for the gates to open dead on 11 am.


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Death of local Shanklin man

Strollin Norman
The IOW news regrets to report the death of Mr.Norman Smith 73 of Shanklin. Mr Smith was Shanklin born and bred and never left the island except for 24 hours in 1957 for a medical examination prior to to his National Service, which he failed.
On returning to the Island after his absence he was a familiar figure to be seen daily, strolling along the front to the water gardens where after strolling three times around the Monet Lily Pond he would stroll back home.


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A right to-do at the OK Coffee Shop

Armed police are scary
Police SWAT teams and Ambualances were called to a disturbance at the OK Coffee Shop Shanklin yesterday. Main thoroughfares were closed and the public were ushered away as reports of a man with a loaded weapon ran rife among the crowd.

Police marksmen were stationed on roof tops above Curdstrainer's Cheese Emporium and Ye Olde Wonky Chair Antique Shoppe. Surrounding premises were boarded up while Police negotiators with loud hailers bargained with the armed man inside.

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Golden Shower Chinese restaurant to re-open

New menu item for the reopening: Pork Sword

Six months after the Golden Shower Chinese Restaurant in Shanklin shut its doors after the food standards agency moved in, it is set to re-open.


The original accusations levelled at the restaurant, which will also do take-out after the re-launch, were that the chicken was cat and the pork was dog. In addition, the Food Hygiene authority discovered that there were thirty-one separate food hygiene violations, including leaving the back door open while they cooked, and that there was no signs on the toilet doors to remind people to wash their hands.


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Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Time Capsule from 1969 Unearthed in Wootton

A time capsule was recovered in a field in Wootton last week, and an opening ceremony was held at the Woodside Bay Caravan Park on Saturday.

City of Ryde officials were on hand to open the time capsule showing a date of 1969. Since 1969 was one of the most incredible years of our century, those in attendance were expecting to find some very valuable memorabilia upon opening the capsule. The mood of the crowd was described as “highly excitable.” Not even the steady downpour of rain could dampen the spirits of the attendees.

Some of the largest stories of our time had happened in just one incredible year,1969, and it is assumed that is the reason someone chose that date to create a time capsule. Some highlights of 1969 included:

Moon Landing: The United States was successful in landing a manned space vehicle on the surface of the moon.

Tate-LaBianca Murders: Followers of Charles Manson were charged with killing Sharon Tate and four other wealthy residents in Los Angeles as part of his Helter-Skelter scheme.

Woodstock: The largest open-air concert ever of rock music took place on a farm in upstate NY.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five and Mario Puzo’s The Godfather were at the top of the best selling lists and the August issue of Rolling Stone Magazine featured a story that year on the now famous Isle of Wight concert that booked such famous acts as Bob Dylan and The Band for August 31, 1969. 

Speaking of the Isle of Wight Festival, that concert has since has gone down in history as one of the best of the century, a British Woodstock as it were. Besides Dylan and The Band, it included such incredible music talent as The Who, the Moody Blues, Eric Clapton, and Joe Cocker, not to mention George Harrison, John Lennon and Ringo Starr of the Beatles and Keith Richards and Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones. It was with these types of happenings and the memorabilia that could lie within the time capsule that the crowd’s anticipation this past Saturday in Wootten was at fever pitch.

When the seal was eventually broken and authorities took a quick look inside, time was brought to a standstill and a hush went over the crowd. Inside they found the following: the obligatory copy of the Bible, a 1969 issue of Teen Beat Magazine, a yo-yo--but not any old yo-yo mind you, it was a purple Duncan Butterfly Yo-Yo--several tins of peas, a half-eaten cod sandwich, and some coins jangling around loosely at the bottom of the capsule. That is all there was, except for some crumpled newspaper to fill up the rest of the capsule. A hand-written note lay on top:

“Hi. I’m Tommy and this here’s my mate, Dickie. We’re ten. We was ‘sposed to bring this here time capsule to our school mum so’s the class could fill it wit’ all kinds of super stuff, but we decided we could do that on our own, so we just filled it with shite and put it in a hole.

Tommy

P.S. I stole the tins of peas from me mum’s pantry so’s I wouldn’t ‘ave ta eat ‘em no more. The end.”

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Artillery Strike Against Potholes Fails

Another victim of the war on potholes
Reserve Forces from Army TA Centre Newport launched a pre-emptive strike against pothole positions east of the city this morning on major highways leading towards Ryde and Sandown hoping to forestall an anticipated pincer movement by pothole forces west into the capital city.

The strike was led by a battery of WWII vintage Vickers Mk 6 Howitzers firing MkIII high explosive shells with a range of 9,800 metres. Firing began at 4 a.m. in the morning from the western outskirts of Newport and continued on to 8 a.m. when resistance by potholes was gauged sufficiently weakened by Major General Sheldon Spence to end the attack and allow him to return to work to his job as a chemist.


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Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Door Left Open Overnight at Butterfly World--Fortunately, No Butterflies Missing

A door to Butterfly World was inadvertently left open overnight by a night caretaker who has since been sacked from his job. Miraculously, however, no butterflies seemed to be missing in the morning when the first workers showed up and found the door wide open.

Said May Flowers, chief entomologist for Butterfly World "We was right worried when we seen that door flung wide open an them butterflies flitting about nervously. It was the oddest thing. Butterflies were hangin' on the inside of the door even wit it flung wide open, but it's almost as if they was trying to pull the door back shut, they was."


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Pothole Assault Continues

The Sandown pothole claims another victim
Since reaching landfall in Bembridge in early winter municipal crews on the east side of the island have put up a courageous battle armed with shovels, hand packers and service vehicles but have proved no match for what has proved to be a relentless pothole onslaught.

Potholes are now firmly in control of the area from Shanklin to Ryde.

While early losses were heavy casualties continue. Last week several lorries were reported lost due to potholes in Sandown and an elderly lady in Nettlestone turned her ankle but is in good condition at home and has not been hospitalized.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Cat Lady in hot water

Katherine feeding some of her cats
Katherine Cattermole, 82, of Ventnor, is in hot water today over her cats.

Katherine currently has one hundred and fifty-seven cats, but it is not the number of cats that has caused the issue, as the RSPCA, the Ryde Society for the Possession of Cat Accessories, have determined that every one of the one hundred and fifty-eight cats is well cared for, well fed and properly treated.

Nor is it the fact that all one hundred and fifty-nine of the cats are all free to roam Ventnor to their heart's content, as Ventnor council have been able to save money on vermin extermination.

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