This is a satirical look at the Isle of Wight. It is a good natured poke at island life. It is a slice of the stories from The Spoof, a satirical on-line newspaper. There are various contributors.

Monday, 29 November 2010

top Signs to be Installed

But what does it mean?
Whippingham - Mayor Tom Shovel and Council voted unanimously last night to install traffic control signs at all major intersections of roads in town. The signs will be octagonal in shape and red in colour to attract attention. 

Mayor Shovel said "The increase in tourist traffic in the summer in combination with an increase in visitors from Ryde has put a strain on our roadways. The new traffic control signs will be familiar to tourists and help project a progressive image for the town."

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Ryde Bowling Green Ruined

Artists impression of the culprit
Residents of Ryde are devastated ahead of the new crown green bowling season starting in three weeks with the news that the Esplanade bowling greens have been trashed overnight.

"I came in this morning," said greens keeper, Geoffrey Hardhat, 76 of Ryde. "It looks like somebody has driven a JCB across the turf, and filled in the ruts with dog mess. It's ruined, there's no way I can get it fixed in time for the new season."

Ryde police chief, Derek Pensioner, 55, is a member of the Ryde bowling team, and believes he knows who the culprits are.


Saturday, 27 November 2010

Council Leader Fond of Ribbon Cutting

David Pugh at Ribbon Cutters Anonymous
We caught up with Isle of Wight Council Leader David Pugh at the ground breaking of the new Cowes secondary school where he spoke candidly about how much he enjoys ribbon cutting.

"It's a real pleasure to be part of any improvements here on the Isle. I certainly look forward to being here for the grand opening and photo opportunity upon completion of construction as well."

Pugh says that elevating the importance of ribbon cutting is something that he hopes to fight for in the future.


Friday, 26 November 2010

Garlic Festival to Include Marathon

Racing Zimmers NOT allowed this year
Whippinham Mayor Tom Shovel has announced that this year the Isle of Wight Marathon will be combined with the Isle of Wight Garlic Festival providing added excitement, "The marathon has grown like a clove of garlic with twice as many runners in it last year as there were a decade ago."

"We attribute the rise in popularity of the marathon with expanding the event to take place over a two week period in July and August to allow more elderly residents of the island to participate."

"Runners with zimmer frames are allowed, starting at the back of the pack, but outsized racing wheels are prohibited."


Isle of Wight becomes Isle of Dogs for the Day

Dicky Eye with his winning dog Woofers
Ventnor Youth Centre on Victoria Street went barking mad on Sunday when they hosted their Annual Dog Show, which went down a storm.

Dogs from around the island came to take part. From poodles to Bassett hounds. There were three categories up for grabs: best in show, best big dog, best small dog and best unidentifiable breed.

Best unidentifiable breed went to Phyllis Broadbottom, 74, of Luccombe (pictured).

"I don't know what sort of dog he is," said Phyllis showing off her Trophy from Vectis Trophyman of Ryde. "I think he's a collie, Labrador, pit-bull cross. There might be some poodle in there too, his great granddad was a pitbull, and no dog dare say no to him!"

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Daredevil Jump Ends in Flames

Poor Jupiter the Ox
Cowes - Local daredevil Evil Medieval's plans on resurrecting his career this past weekend by attempting to jump the Carrollton Branch of Beatty Creek in a "State-of-the-art wooden ox-cart".

A heavy timber carpenter from Rookley and former ox-cart racer, Medieval thrilled crowds from Ryde to Brightstone in the sixties and seventies with flamboyant attempts to race his ox-cart up over ramps and go airborne over an increasing number of vintage ox-carts parked below as well as a series of spectacular bone crushing crashes. ended in disaster as one of his lead oxen burst into flames just before take-off.


Turner Pushing for Island Status

CafePress still have stock left
OneWight champion MP, Andrew Turner, has once again put his hand towards supporting the Isle by putting forward an act to the House of Commons to give the Isle of Wight full status and privileges as an Island within the United Kingdom.

Turner believes that "Gaining official Island status will increase tourism, the mainstay of our economy. Tourists who may have only planned a weekend visit to The Isle may feel more comfortable staying for a week or more on once we are an Island. There are many other economic spin-offs as well." 

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Traffic Chaos in Newport

Past the lights was a ghost town
The main traffic lights on the A3020, St Georges Way in the centre of Newport were out of action for three hours on Monday morning, right in the middle of rush hour. As the traffic lights cycled endlessly between red, amber and green, the local shop owners and residents were out in force to watch them.
Such was the ensuing chaos, it took the police nearly forty minutes to get to the scene and start getting the traffic moving.

"It was awful," said Gwyneth Goodheart, 29, who runs Pets With Heart on Holyrood Street. "I was sat in stationary traffic for over quarter of an hour, I've never known anything like it. I had chinchillas that needed feeding!"

Monday, 22 November 2010

Shock: Tragedy Strikes At Isle Of Wight Garlic Festival

Tragedy struck at this years annual Isle Of Wight Garlic Festival.

The festival, which has been running for over 25 years, is a mixture of food, entertainment and fun. Attracting larger and larger crowds each year, the organiser's have had their work cut out trying to find suitable acts to perform for the crowds, as they travel from stall to stall, work-station to work-station.

Event organiser Pippa Longboat told us "we were so looking forward to this years event, but we never expected this sort of thing to occur!"

The trouble started when the organiser's booked Bruce Forsyth as compère for the event.

Not being familiar with Forsyth's working methods, and the fact Forsyth had recently changed management, the planets were aligning for disaster.

Booking his services through an agent, the dates were arranged after much haggling over monetary issues. All was set, then disaster hit.

Upon arrival at the event it transpired that Forsyth had not been told exactly what the festival was all about.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Accident Leaves Dorset Man 'Broken'

A Dorset man was said to be 'beside himself' today after suffering a massive personal loss, after a horrific accident.

The accident occurred last night, at about 10:30pm in his local public house. Gesticulating wildly whilst telling a rather slurred, but whimsical, tale about a man who lives on the Isle of Wight, Geoff Badger lost grip of his mobile telephone and threw it to the ground.

At first the handset looked to have survived the unexpected knock, as it bounced accross the tiled floor, but closer inspection told another story entirely.

The top right corner was badly dented, and this localised shock had impacted badly on the screen, creating a'crazy paving' style pattern accross the glass frontage.

Terry Stain, witness, said "Geoff just shrugged it off at first, said it didn't matter, but we knew that was just the drink talking! We kinda just kept drinking, and didn't mention it, but Geoff went real quiet and kept taking his 'phone out and looking at it."

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Award-Winning Poet Moves To The Island

The literary community on the Isle of Wight is set to be enhanced, enlarged and enlivened by the arrival on the island of critically-acclaimed poet Len Blatt, winner of the 2002 Cromer Prize for his silent play A Lancashire Muslim in Harry Ramsden's, writes Petra Kiansonette, Aniseed, Politics, Environment, Whelks, Dairy Farming, Egyptology, Light Engineering, Ornithology, Weather & Literature Correspondent.

The island's literary heritage is of course second to none:

Arthur Lord Dennison (pictured) lived at Farflung House, overlooking Freshwater Bay for nearly 40 years, and wrote Come Into The Condemned Greenhouse, Mary and King Perkin and His Bedraggled Gentlemen at Arms there. He also finished The Mysterious Floating Medieval Lady on the island and often welcomed famous photographers of nude children to Farflung House, including Juliet May Carmion and Charles Lewis, who also wrote the famous children's book Agnes in Dreamland.

Famous writer of sensual odes, John Bleates, also stayed on the island twice, between 1817 and 1819. He escaped to the island with his friend, Tom Browne, in an effort to cure himself of the contemporary disease of opium-exacerbated narcissistic sensuality. He was able to rid himself of this blight, but, sadly, fell victim to consumption, which eventually killed him. But not before he had produced some of the English language's greatest poetry. While staying at Shanklin and later at Mottistone, he worked on his celebrated Ode to a Sea-Plover, which explores the parameters of life and death as symbolised by the shifting boundaries of land and sea.


Isle of Wight News - Online Forum Highlights

(If Only - but still they get through...)


allwight.com-forums>visiting>our towns>what our towns have to offer


please register to post on the forums

allwight.web-forums>living>local issues>preserve are heritiges!

Has you of recently taken a jerney through are ILAND? Can you'v have of believe'd the pore repaired roads and, manual covers dug up, in pot-wholes repair's. As for, the period property's, in some towns are where stone has been used ovre the years, really neblected faeces sene. Sore, if these be allured to continewe we will loose ARE GRATE HERETEGE and charmes of what charm we hav lefte.

NIBLICK posted 16 Jun 2009:
No shit Sherlock.

TRIKEFREAK posted 23 Dec 2009:
WHP you preaching to the converted mate. I often ride my recumbent trike between Brighstone and Niton. There are at least 5 properties where the council should "do something" but won't "do anything" being frightened of "big money". The result will be deterioration until they fall down. Then come the inevitable flats and hotels that will never sell in 25 years of laying empty to the coast. Some people find old fridges, Ford Anglias and dead cows appropriate! The old, old story! Until cometh the day when "society" via the council, refuses to sink to the lowest denominator, this island will lose its great charm of what charm it has left to it. Good luck mate you'll need it!

TRIKEFREAK posted 24 Dec 2009:
Merry Christmas NIBLICK! What good offensive comments do escapes me chummy!

TRIKEFREAK posted 24 Dec 2009:
Merry Christmas NIBLICK! What good offensive comments do escapes me chummy!

TRIKEFREAK posted 24 Dec 2009:
Perhaps you would like to offer a constructive opinion NIBLICK!

TRIKEFREAK posted 24 Dec 2009:
That's right NIBLICK. Keyboard warrior! Hide behind your silly NIBLICK name! Loser!

TRIKEFREAK posted 25 Dec 2009:
I'm still waiting NIBLICK!

TRIKEFREAK posted 25 Dec 2009:
Come on NIBLICK! Give me your best shot! See if I can take it!

TRIKEFREAK posted 25 Dec 2009:


Mysterious Arsonist Strikes Again

The wall needs repairing
Police are hunting a pair of youths who are believed to be behind a series of arson attacks on dry stone walls around Shorwell.

"There are a couple of young lads we'd like to speak to," said police constable Michelle Gonmad. "We have a fair idea who they are, on account of there not being very many youths in the Shorwell area."

The border wall for Westcourt Farm, on the road to Limerstone has been burned down three times in the past month, keeping local drystone-waller Lyndon Behemoth of Behemoth Dry Stone Walls, Cowes, very busy.


Friday, 19 November 2010

Isle of Wight To Face Possible Defence Cuts

The Strategic and Defence Security Review is eagerly awaited by many armed forces personnel, as it appears massive cuts are to be made across the defensive board.

Not least of those awaiting its results are the twenty strong Armed Response Unit based on the Isle of Wight.

As the islands only form of defence against attackers from all directions, Bob Grundy, commanding officer of the unit, spoke to us of his concern.

"At present we have a fairly strong team, we train every Wednesday evening after bowls, We currently have two rifles, six handguns, a shotgun and a hand grenade, more than enough to make a prospective invader think again, I'm sure you'll agree!"

"As for clothing, we rotate the six pairs of camouflage oversuits twice weekly, and Terry Buttress, one of our squad, owns his own gas mask!"

The cuts however, look likely to halve their equipment, or worse still.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Man in Stocking Cap Goes Missing

Police impression of the missing man
Search and rescue teams have been combing lands outside of the town for days now for an adult man reported missing by an anonymous caller from the Spyglass Inn.

The missing man is reported to be in his late twenties, tall, of thin build wearing a red and white striped stocking cap and sweater and blue trousers. He has brown hair parted to one side, horn rim glasses and carries a wooden cane.

Concerns heighten when temperatures drop
Constable Mike Millington was contacted regarding the emergency and immediately sent search parties out to all sides of Ventnor “It’s getting colder out, I saw no reason to take chances of a man dying of hypothermia for no reason.”

“We searched north of Whitwell Road and Leeson Road and were getting prepared to sweep Bonchurch Landslip when we decided to check out the local pubs.”

“We thought we may have stumbled upon the missing person when we routinely checked out the Spyglass Inn where the phone call was made from and were surprised to encounter a bunch of young men, each to a man dressed in the costume of the missing person, laughing and drinking excessively.”

Millington says he is “Quite cross at this young bunch making fun of a poor lost man, wasting precious search time.”

Kookingheim Museum Coming

Artists impression
Peter Moore the Chairman of Tourism Development Planning has announced that one of the most prestigious institutions in the world, The Kookingheim, has announced that it will establish a new museum for the UK, on the Isle of Wight.

Moore says this is exactly the thing that the Isle of Wight needs.

“While we have capitalized on our periperality (being cut-off from the mainland UK) by celebrating our unique biodiversity and quality of life The Kookingheim is a proven tourism draw that has brought economic prosperity to each of it’s current locations around the world.”

“The museum will boost the local economy, generate employment, create a positive image, contribute to local facilities and help sustain a better environment.”

The question is where it will go.

Chairman of the Council for Newport, Cllr Ian Stephens, says that while his community would be honoured to be home for the Kookingheim, Newport is already stretched at the seams being the administrative centre of the island , home to the Isle of Wight Festival and Bestival along with providing one of the best viewing opportunities for endangered red squirrels on the island.

“I think that Cowes is a much more deserving site for the Kookingheim than Newport all things considered.”

Cowes mayor Alan Wells agrees that “The Kookingheim would be an asset to any community but it would have to be considered along with current projects now completed or underway including The Cowes War Memorial, Interpretation Panels at Northwood Park and a new Interactive Water Play Area.”

“Cowes Week is the longest-running regular regatta in the world. We don’t want to tamper with success. People look forward to the fireworks from the barges on the Solent so it would not do to upstage them with a new museum. Perhaps the Kookingheim should be located in a community that needs more of a boost to the local economy, like Sandown.”

Sandown Seafront is already
well endowed with iconic buildings
Sandown officials contacted seemed enthusiastic about The Kookingheim as a possible replacement tourist attraction for the Lost Castle of Sandown.

Despite having attractive beaches along Sandown Bay, chalk downland wildlife, sea birds that nest on adjoining cliffs and bluebells in the spring in the Borthwood Woodlands, the obvious benefits from increased tourism that The Kookingheim could bring is not lost on Sandown officials. They have recommended a feasibility study be done first evaluating how the museum would affect current attractions such as the Sandown Zoo, Dinosaur Isle and the Open-Top Bus Service.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Outrage At Possible Landmark Name Change

Council officials have angered local bumpkins on the Isle of Wight, by suggesting they rename the famous Needles near Alum Bay, off the western point of the island.

Councillor Wilf Burlap was speaking at a town meeting, called to try and increase tourism to the island, when he made the shocking announcement.

He said "in this day and age we need to attract people, not put them off! You go calling a beauty spot 'The Needles' and instantly you get all sorts of drug related connotations!"

"People will roll up thinking they'll be confronted by junkies, having to step over used drug paraphernalia and dodging gun fights between rival dealers!" he continued.

Free Cooking Lessons Next Week

Boiling water can be DANGEROUS
The Ladies Auxiliary of Ventnor will be presenting free lessons to the public on How to Boil Water next week at Park Community Centre.

No experience is necessary. Learn the history of boiling water as well as fun and different techniques you can try at home. Introductory and Advanced courses to be offered.

Instructor Molly Jones

Boiling Water - Level 1 Beginner

- So you think you know how to boil water?
- It all begins with the water
- Famous Englishmen who have boiled water
- Boiling water through history
- The Chinese, boiling water and Marco Polo
- Where do the bubbles come from and where do they go?
- Does water have to be hot to boil?
- Step-by-step demonstration

Boiling Water - Level 2 Advanced

Prerequisite - Boiling Water - Level 1, hands-on, bring your own pot, water will be supplied, appropriate clothing recommended.

- Types of pots – the importance of handles
- Placing the water in the pot
- Different heat sources - gas, electric, wood fire
- Rotating the knob and igniting the flame
- Watching water come to a boil - does it really slow things down?
- Pros and cons of egg timers
- Tips and techniques - covered or non-covered, adding salt and why it works
- Multi-tasking – watching television, washing dishes, scolding
- Trivets for function and safety

Donations accepted, proceeds to the Morse Dancers travel fund.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Derek Acorah visits Wooton

Derek Acorah has a new
book out...
available from Amazon

Delight and amazement were the emotions on the faces of the residents of Wooton when Psychic Superstar Derek Acorah, 60, turned up at the village hall.

"He wasn't booked," said Kathy Dewsnap, 32 of nearby Wootton village. "Apparently, he'd meant to be going to Walton, but mistyped the address into his sat-nav. We don't mind though, because he was amazing."

Acorah has never visited the Isle of Wight before, nor played a venue as small as Wooton Village Hall, giving the occasion an even more special air. On the day that Acorah turned up the village hall was meant to be hosting the fifth birthday party of Brindley Dewsnap, 5, also of Wootton, but the party was quickly abandoned in favour of Acorah doing his psychic medium show.


Evil Medieval to Jump Beatty Creek

Medieval in his Ox Cart racing days
Cowes - Local daredevil Evil Medieval plans on resurrecting his career this weekend by attempting to jump the Carrollton Branch of Beatty Creek in a "State-of-the art" wooden ox-cart.

A heavy timber carpenter from Rookley, Medieval rocketed to fame in the 1950's when he broke the Isle of Wight land speed record for ox-carts by shaving three days off of the passage from Freshwater to Sandown maintaining an incredible speed of seventeen miles an hour across Britt Run and Corrowaugh Swamp and only breaking down once to fix a wheel at Rookley.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Annual Beauty Pageant Winner Named

The Garlic festival - always popular,
even when it's not on
Newchurch - Local beauties paraded this week in the annual Garlic Festival beauty pageant. 

The pageant has been a source of controversy at it is now being held only every other year causing some to complain that it should not be advertised as an annual event. 

Mayor Tom Shovel defends the practice as not being untruthful as the Garlic Festival continues to be an annual event.

"The Annual Garlic Festival beauty pageant is an important part of the Newchurch economy despite it now being held only every other year."


Ditch Debate Deepens

The Ditch
Sandown - Local residents met last evening at Norbert's Fish and Chips to discuss plans to construct a ditch west of town towards Newchurch. Town clerk Noel Worthington presented plans completed by the civil engineer which he said are ready for tender.

Request for approval to construct the ditch as planned was thrown awry when Mr. Worthington announced that the ditch was "not a functional ditch" as the land in question is self-draining but is"intended to be a tourist attraction".


Rubber Duck Invasion

Some of the recovered ducks
A major investigation was launched this week to investigate the curious case of the flotilla of rubber ducks that have been inundating Yarmouth Harbour for the past fortnight.

The busy Yarmouth harbour has become awash with the small yellow bath toys which is causing a danger to the Wightlink Ferry to and from Lymington on the Mainland as well as the numerous pleasure boats that operate out of the harbour.


Saturday, 13 November 2010

Crime on the Rise

The bird bath after the incident
Whippingham - Longtime resident and community leader Marjorie Givens 67 of 2 Bettsworth has made an appointment to meet with Mayor Shovel regarding what she calls a "alarming increase in crime."

"Just last week I woke up in the morning to find that someone had overturned my birdbath and pulled down my Guernsey Cream clematis. Constable Millington tried to tell me it was probably the neighbor's cat that did it, is this the best police work the people of Whippingham can expect? The criminals are still out there planning to overturn more birdbaths right now and may be part of an organized crime syndicate for all we know"


Resident Protests Sex Shop

Gilded Lily will visit you at your own
Whippingham - Longtime resident and community leader Marjorie Givens 67 of 2 Bettsworth has protested to Mayor Shovel and Council that the Gilded Lily Flower Shop that recently opened is operating as a sex shop.

"This is the last thing that Whippingham needs to distract the youth of our community and give our town a bad name for tourists. I have seen men and women as young as forty and fifty walking in and out of the shop at all hours."


Road Closed Due to Abandoned Boot

The offending boot has been recovered
Newport police spokeswoman Amber Alert has announced that the road between Whippingham and Ryde has been closed due to the discovery of a men's work boot on the tarmac near Binstead.

The boot is a tan leather full lace-up possibly with a steel toe estimated to be size 10.

Alert says "The roadway was closed immediately upon receiving report of the boot and barricades put up".


Excitement at Record Levels

Excitement levels just keep on growing
Newport - Tourism Director Terrence Knight was excited to announce results of an excitement poll today indicating that excitement here on the island is at record levels.

“I am sure I can speak for all islanders that this is the most exciting news we have had in some time now.”

While the poll indicates that excitement is at high levels no indication was given as to what was behind all the excitement which lead to an emergency meeting on Monday evening by Mr. Knight with the Tourism Bureau to discuss addressing the escalating excitement levels while the situation is still manageable.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Ventnor Woman Drops a Plate

The broken plate is ruined
Marjorie Stevens 67, of 10 Bettsworth Crescent, is reported to have dropped a plate yesterday.

"It was everyday, not Royal Doulton, hardly news really."

"I don't see what all the fuss is about, it was just a plate, now it's broken to bits, I suppose you could blame the hardwood floor if you wanted to but I'm just as well to blame, carelessness is what caused it, carelessness."


Terry Wogan to switch on Christmas Lights

Sir Terry Wogan, complete with hair
It is the big Christmas Light switch on in Newport this weekend, and the Council have managed to get Sir Terry Wogan, 71, to press the button, illuminating the pedestrianised areas of Newport shopping centre. Over a thousand bulbs have been installed, and this year's theme is "Peace in Afghanistan".

'Tel' has been highly sort after for light switch ons this year, and the Isle of Wight are pleased he has agreed to switch on ours.


Council blamed over road-signs

The offending sign
Councillors for the Isle of Wight are up in arms with the Highways Agency.

A new road sign has been erected on Forest Road heading towards Somerton which plainly states "Isle of White".

"We are not amused," said Ophelia Keyhole, 39, wife of Jeremiah Keyhole, leader of the Isle of Wight Chamber of Commerce. "The Isle of Wight has been called this for centuries, how can the highways agency get it so wrong? Not only have we demanded that they get the sign corrected as soon as possible, if not earlier, we have demanded a written apology on Isle of Wight TV."