Disclaimer

This is a satirical look at the Isle of Wight. It is a good natured poke at island life. It is a slice of the stories from The Spoof, a satirical on-line newspaper. There are various contributors.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013


Isle of Wight residents are reminded to move their calendars forward tonight to 2013. Despite the annual spring reminder and widespread use of the Internet there are many hold outs to sharing the 2013 calendar across the island with many communities still following specific years of their choosing. Freshwater prefers 1905, Shanklin 1923 and Bembridge is split between 1958 and 1959.
The people of Ryde would like it to be Christmas every day
Calendar confusion on the island is a mystery to many tourists. While many are charmed by the slower pace on the island they are not sure why it is slower in some places than others.
The debate on standardizing time on the island has bedeviled local politics for decades. Conservative proponents make a strong argument for sticking with a year they know brought prosperity rather than subjecting residents to the vagaries and whims that may come with accepting a new year every twelve months. Futurists say that the past is the past and the future is the future, so there! In the middle is the moderates who have tried to bring the factions together by proposing a common era or decade for all with limited success.

Saturday, 30 June 2012

IoWNews Blog Admits "No new stories"

Bring back our editor!
There have been rumours circulating across the internet that the Isle of Wight News blog has had something happen to it in the eight, nine? months since its last entry.


There have been rumours that the editor has been abducted by aliens, that the CIA noticed one of the stories matched one of their 'overthrow a government' plans or that the editor had been on a massive, murderous rampage, taking out all the contributors. None of these rumours are true.Nor is it true that the Isle of Wight sank into the sea, was towed closer to France by Jersey and Guernsey island pirates nor has it been merged with the Isle of Dogs and renamed Isle of Poodle.


The truth of the matter is that the editor got a little fed up with the Isle of Wight News Blog, and wanted to concentrate on 'There's An App For It' instead for a while, even going as far as producing App World! a book for the Kindle. Not satisfied with that, he got drafted (or draughted, given the alcoholic incentive) into contributing to The Dorking Review, a paper back available from Amazon. However, being a flighty flibbertigibbet, the editor soon tired of inventing apps for the iPhone and writing fictitious stories constrained to a small town in Surrey, and has decided to return - at least for a while - to the Isle of Wight News. No doubt, over the coming months, the blog will be back in full swing, churning more tissues of lies than Kleenex. 


This will all happen once the aliens have returned the editor to his sofa in Dorking.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Isle Of Wight's Most Wanted Evades Capture Once Again


Master criminal and Isle of Wight's most wanted man, Curly O'Halloran evaded police yet again, after a four hour siege in a barn on the outskirts of Shanklin.

The wily thief had recently robbed a bakery van and fled to the secluded barn, with the islands police in hot pursuit. Armed response units were called, and a siege situation took hold.

Fearing that the siege could last days, with O'Halloran bedded in with more than enough baked goods to last him a fortnight, police officers worked hard to try and talk the thief out. But their attempts were in vain.

Unbeknownst to them, O'Halloran was hard at work in the barn constructing his get-away vehicle, using items he found laying around inside.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Public Toilet Menace

The public toilet at Ventnor
After the news last week that the public lavatory in Shanklin had been left to go feral, it appears that it has formed a pack of feral public toilets roaming the east coast of the Island.

According to eye witness accounts, this pack of feral public toilets is catching the unwary unawares.

"It started with the Shanklin Public Lav," said Carl Parker, councillor in charge of Parks and Parking, and now Toilets. "Due to budget cuts, the toilet had been left uncleaned for a month, and it turned feral."

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The number 852 bus to be removed


Sadly no longer with us
Residents of Ryde are up in arms today after the shock revelation that the number 852 bus is to be removed from the schedule.

"This is intolerable," said Jasper Featherington-Wright, 89. "The 852 is the only bus that connects Ryde to Newport. If we want to get to Newport now, we have to catch the 153 to Cowes and then the 99 to Newport. Intolerable! This adds an intolerable two and a half hours to any bus journey to Newport. Intolerable! It's a good job I go everywhere by car, isn't it?"

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Unfortunate porpoise cannot be saved

A lesser spotted stranded porpoise
Rescuers who attempted to rescue a stranded porpoise have come under intense criticism from animal rights activists for their methods in returning the unfortunate creature back out to sea.

"The stranded porpoise was found on a beach near Brighstone," said animal rights spokesman, Anna Maltesting. "Stranded porpoises are quiet resilient. They could have rolled it back into the water. Now had it been a harbour porpoise then they would have had to be more careful."

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Monday, 29 August 2011

Flying Teacups Over Solent

Sightings are increasing
Residents of Newtown were treated to an unusual spectacle over the weekend as a series of unidentified flying objects were seen hovering over The Solent.

Longtime resident Emma Sandstrom, eighty-three of Dovercourt Crescent, says this was no ordinary UFO sighting.

"We are used to the regular saucers and such which are as common as a stray dog around here on clear nights but this was none of that."

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