Malaria Orgasm Mystery on Isle of Wight

Cheryl started feeling a bit poorly, like

Fans of petite geordie lass Cheryl Cole were shocked and stunned today to hear that she had been rushed to hospital from her Surrey home with Malaria. Doctors worried for her health have ordered her to cancel all appearances for the time being.

Having collapsed at an Isle of Wight photoshoot - she was admitted in the early hours of the morning. 

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Meeting of the IOW Ladies Magic Circle

The meeting was held at the Clove and Hoof

Yesterday evening the IOW Ladies' Magic Circle met for the annual general meeting in the upstairs meeting room above Clove and Hoof public house in Ryde.

The meeting was opened by the chairperson Mrs. Helen Earth and commenced with the traditional chanting and guttural screams of the Circle anthem "Do you rue Salem". This was followed by the ritual placing of goat horns on the wall-hung pentagram with it's motto Rege Satana Vale.

Before the meeting was called to order Mrs.Juno Watt the Official Custodian of Grimoires and Great Conservatrix of Ritual pointed out that the horns were 5mm out of place and that Mrs. Earth should really have made a sign of the inverted cross and vomited frogs.

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Treatment Plant Open Day a Success

A possible new tourist attraction?

For the first time since its opening in 1897 the Cowes sewage treatment plant was able to signal a red-letter day last Saturday 17th July. Having been temporarily closed for a complete refit to bring it up to the most modern standards of ISO15002 and the exigences of health and safety law the reinstatement of normal function was celebrated by a public open day. As of Monday 19th all discharge into the Solent will have ceased and it is hoped that normal bathing on beaches in the north Wight area will resume by the 26th currents permitting.


Visitors arrived in the teens and the short queue was impatient for the gates to open dead on 11 am.


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Death of local Shanklin man

Strollin Norman

The IOW news regrets to report the death of Mr.Norman Smith 73 of Shanklin. Mr Smith was Shanklin born and bred and never left the island except for 24 hours in 1957 for a medical examination prior to to his National Service, which he failed.
On returning to the Island after his absence he was a familiar figure to be seen daily, strolling along the front to the water gardens where after strolling three times around the Monet Lily Pond he would stroll back home.


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A right to-do at the OK Coffee Shop

Armed police are scary

Police SWAT teams and Ambualances were called to a disturbance at the OK Coffee Shop Shanklin yesterday. Main thoroughfares were closed and the public were ushered away as reports of a man with a loaded weapon ran rife among the crowd.

Police marksmen were stationed on roof tops above Curdstrainer's Cheese Emporium and Ye Olde Wonky Chair Antique Shoppe. Surrounding premises were boarded up while Police negotiators with loud hailers bargained with the armed man inside.

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Golden Shower Chinese restaurant to re-open

New menu item for the reopening: Pork Sword

Six months after the Golden Shower Chinese Restaurant in Shanklin shut its doors after the food standards agency moved in, it is set to re-open.


The original accusations levelled at the restaurant, which will also do take-out after the re-launch, were that the chicken was cat and the pork was dog. In addition, the Food Hygiene authority discovered that there were thirty-one separate food hygiene violations, including leaving the back door open while they cooked, and that there was no signs on the toilet doors to remind people to wash their hands.


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Time Capsule from 1969 Unearthed in Wootton

A time capsule was recovered in a field in Wootton last week, and an opening ceremony was held at the Woodside Bay Caravan Park on Saturday.

City of Ryde officials were on hand to open the time capsule showing a date of 1969. Since 1969 was one of the most incredible years of our century, those in attendance were expecting to find some very valuable memorabilia upon opening the capsule. The mood of the crowd was described as “highly excitable.” Not even the steady downpour of rain could dampen the spirits of the attendees.

Some of the largest stories of our time had happened in just one incredible year,1969, and it is assumed that is the reason someone chose that date to create a time capsule. Some highlights of 1969 included:

Moon Landing: The United States was successful in landing a manned space vehicle on the surface of the moon.

Tate-LaBianca Murders: Followers of Charles Manson were charged with killing Sharon Tate and four other wealthy residents in Los Angeles as part of his Helter-Skelter scheme.

Woodstock: The largest open-air concert ever of rock music took place on a farm in upstate NY.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five and Mario Puzo’s The Godfather were at the top of the best selling lists and the August issue of Rolling Stone Magazine featured a story that year on the now famous Isle of Wight concert that booked such famous acts as Bob Dylan and The Band for August 31, 1969. 

Speaking of the Isle of Wight Festival, that concert has since has gone down in history as one of the best of the century, a British Woodstock as it were. Besides Dylan and The Band, it included such incredible music talent as The Who, the Moody Blues, Eric Clapton, and Joe Cocker, not to mention George Harrison, John Lennon and Ringo Starr of the Beatles and Keith Richards and Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones. It was with these types of happenings and the memorabilia that could lie within the time capsule that the crowd’s anticipation this past Saturday in Wootten was at fever pitch.

When the seal was eventually broken and authorities took a quick look inside, time was brought to a standstill and a hush went over the crowd. Inside they found the following: the obligatory copy of the Bible, a 1969 issue of Teen Beat Magazine, a yo-yo--but not any old yo-yo mind you, it was a purple Duncan Butterfly Yo-Yo--several tins of peas, a half-eaten cod sandwich, and some coins jangling around loosely at the bottom of the capsule. That is all there was, except for some crumpled newspaper to fill up the rest of the capsule. A hand-written note lay on top:

“Hi. I’m Tommy and this here’s my mate, Dickie. We’re ten. We was ‘sposed to bring this here time capsule to our school mum so’s the class could fill it wit’ all kinds of super stuff, but we decided we could do that on our own, so we just filled it with shite and put it in a hole.

Tommy

P.S. I stole the tins of peas from me mum’s pantry so’s I wouldn’t ‘ave ta eat ‘em no more. The end.”

Artillery Strike Against Potholes Fails

Another victim of the war on potholes

Reserve Forces from Army TA Centre Newport launched a pre-emptive strike against pothole positions east of the city this morning on major highways leading towards Ryde and Sandown hoping to forestall an anticipated pincer movement by pothole forces west into the capital city.

The strike was led by a battery of WWII vintage Vickers Mk 6 Howitzers firing MkIII high explosive shells with a range of 9,800 metres. Firing began at 4 a.m. in the morning from the western outskirts of Newport and continued on to 8 a.m. when resistance by potholes was gauged sufficiently weakened by Major General Sheldon Spence to end the attack and allow him to return to work to his job as a chemist.


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Door Left Open Overnight at Butterfly World--Fortunately, No Butterflies Missing

A door to Butterfly World was inadvertently left open overnight by a night caretaker who has since been sacked from his job. Miraculously, however, no butterflies seemed to be missing in the morning when the first workers showed up and found the door wide open.

Said May Flowers, chief entomologist for Butterfly World "We was right worried when we seen that door flung wide open an them butterflies flitting about nervously. It was the oddest thing. Butterflies were hangin' on the inside of the door even wit it flung wide open, but it's almost as if they was trying to pull the door back shut, they was."


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Pothole Assault Continues

The Sandown pothole claims another victim

Since reaching landfall in Bembridge in early winter municipal crews on the east side of the island have put up a courageous battle armed with shovels, hand packers and service vehicles but have proved no match for what has proved to be a relentless pothole onslaught.

Potholes are now firmly in control of the area from Shanklin to Ryde.
While early losses were heavy casualties continue. Last week several lorries were reported lost due to potholes in Sandown and an elderly lady in Nettlestone turned her ankle but is in good condition at home and has not been hospitalized.

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Cat Lady in hot water

Katherine feeding some of her cats

Katherine Cattermole, 82, of Ventnor, is in hot water today over her cats.

Katherine currently has one hundred and fifty-seven cats, but it is not the number of cats that has caused the issue, as the RSPCA, the Ryde Society for the Possession of Cat Accessories, have determined that every one of the one hundred and fifty-eight cats is well cared for, well fed and properly treated.

Nor is it the fact that all one hundred and fifty-nine of the cats are all free to roam Ventnor to their heart's content, as Ventnor council have been able to save money on vermin extermination.

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