New Covid-19 App to be trialled on Isle of Wight

Dave, working from home

In some exciting news, the Isle of Wight has been selected by the UK Government to act as a testbed for the new UK Covid-19 Tracing App.

This marvellous technology will allow the IOW to re-open for business by using phones to track where everybody is and who they meet.

“It’s very simple,” said Ryde resident and technology guru, Charles Babbage, 229. “Every time your telephonic device is within a few metres of another telephonic device, both telephonic devices record this meeting. Should you then indicate on your telephonic device that you have symptoms of the dreaded plague, it will alert everybody you have met.”

Not everybody on the island is happy about news.

“I don’t want to be having to carry my telephone around with me,” said Yarmouth resident, Albert Codger, 81. “For a start, that there cable’s only going to reach to me back yard.”

For those residents of the Isle that haven’t confused a landline with a mobile phone, there are still going to be issues as the sudden download of the app by the twenty or so Islanders with mobile phones could overwhelm the isle’s cellular network.

“I was getting up at four thirty to go and stand on top of Ventnor Downs,” said Dave Sell, 28, who is the cellular network for the island. “I stood there all day with my mast on my head until half ten at night, when I can go home. Except for half an hour lunch break about one. All that downloading’s going to be making my masthead very heavy.”

At the moment, due to government Covid-19 restrictions, Dave is working from home, and has put a chair on his roof.

“Working from home isn’t too bad,” he said. “It does make coverage quite spotty for anybody not in Newport, but I get to use an inside toilet and my wife can pass me a sandwich.”

Dave, who prefers not to be named for legal reasons, used to move to areas of high mobile traffic, such as the Garlic Festival (RIP), when a ferry is coming in to Cowes or when the traffic lights in Newport are working. All traditionally hotspots of cellular activity.

“If everybody is downloading the app at once,” Dave said, “I’ll have to go back up Ventnor Downs, and the café’s shut. Nobody thinks of me, do they?”

Isle of Wight Citizens given Diplomatic Immunity

Following a debate that ran into the early hours of this morning, the Isle of Wight Council has narrowly voted in favour of granting all residents of the Island diplomatic immunity.

The surprise move comes after a recent report by the Association of Chief Police Officers indicated that up to 12,000 police officers are to lose their jobs. Many of these redundancies are likely to affect the Isle of Wight.

In a bid to ensure that the reduced police force on the island can cope with their obligations, the council will, from 1st April 2011, bestow the status of diplomatic immunity on all residents currently registered on the electoral roll.



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Isle of Wight to Secede from the UK

Councillor for Cowes, Mr David Pugh, has vowed that the Isle of Wight is to secede from the UK due to a row over the new Pound coin, however, he is keen to stress that this has nothing to do with Brexit.

Island residents prefer the coins from 1935 to the new ones.

"Our desire to secede from the United Kingdom has nothing to do with Brexit," the councillor said in a statement this morning. "I cannot stress this enough. We do not want to leave the UK and join the EU, as their coins are even worse than this new-fangled pound coin London is trying to foist off on us."

A recent estimate by Beryl in accounting has indicated that changing to the new pound coin would cost the island thirty-five billion pounds, money the island can ill afford.

"We need to change all the parking metres," said Pugh. "As many are aware, parking metres are the major source of income on the island, funding everything from social services to the audiobooks of Harry Potter in Ventnor library."

As well as parking metres, the ATMs on the island are the only ones in the UK that dispense pound coins, and these too would need major overhauls to allow the new shape to be stored. Pugh is hopeful that the banks themselves would pay for this refurbishment. However, IoW U, the island's largest bank, is adamant that this is not the case.
 
“In the banking crisis of 1934, the island government bought out the bank,” said bank CEO, Charles Moneypenny, 66, told the IoW News. “It was expected that they would return the bank to private hands at some point, however the receipt was lost in the war, so it’s remained in the Island’s hands ever since.”
 
Another major income stream, the vending machines, would all also need switching over to the new pound coins.
 
“The cost is too high for a small company like ours to contemplate,” said Vinny Vendor of Ventnor Vendor Vending Machines, located in Ryde. “We will be seeking assistance from the Island council.”
 
Many of the Island’s more than a thousand residents are backing Pugh’s approach to the new pound coins.
 
“We don’t like change,” said Phyllis Bathnight, 108, of Yarmouth. “Never have, never will.”

Womble family sue 2017 for being too modern

A family from Ventnor are trying to sue 2017 for being too modern.

Mr and Mrs Womble last week

"There's a natural order in the universe," said father of two, Dick Womble. "And that's the order ordained by God."

According to Mr Womble, the invention of indoor plumbing, supermarkets, television and the internet are not in the Bible and therefore ungodly and to be shunned. Whilst the Isle of Wight is still part of Europe Mr Womble will be petitioning the European Courts so that he may sue 2017 for existing.

"Our children have had to share a school with boys who wear dresses," Mr Womble said. "My wife and I are disgusted."

"I'm disgusted," said Mrs Henrietta Womble, "at everything my husband has said."

"Where in the bible does it say that men wear dresses?" Mr Womble demanded. "Apart from the children’s one that shows Jesus and all his disciples in a frock? And all those bishops and popes and vicars in dresses. We blame the internet."

"The internet," said Mrs Womble, "shows us the rest of the world."

According to the Wombles, the Internet lets people see what other people think, and this is obviously a bad thing.

"We should be told what to think by God," said Mr Womble. "Through his intermediaries here on Earth who are just and godly."

The previous three priests that the Wombles prayed with have all been arrested for sexual offences.

The Wombles have cited that all this modernity, especially the realisation that there is more to biology than the Janet and John explanations in High School, is confusing to children brought up solely on a diet of simplified religion.

"Our Book provides all the answers anybody needs," Mr Womble. "As long as they don't have actual questions."

Mr Womble also refuses to admit that there is more than one Book, and that the stories within his own Book are as likely as those in the comic 2000AD.


"We wish to return to a more holy existence," Mr Womble said. "A time when we didn't have electricity, running water, flushing toilets, schooling, indoor jobs without heavy lifting, women in work and divorce. People have often said that the Isle of Wight is stuck in the fifties, well I don't think that's far enough back, we should be living in pre-Roman times! That was the time when everybody followed the Bible."


Mrs Womble looked at her husband, tutted and left with her bags.

Isle of Wight residents are reminded to move their calendars forward tonight to 2013. Despite the annual spring reminder and widespread use of the Internet there are many hold outs to sharing the 2013 calendar across the island with many communities still following specific years of their choosing. Freshwater prefers 1905, Shanklin 1923 and Bembridge is split between 1958 and 1959.

The people of Ryde would like it to be Christmas every day

Calendar confusion on the island is a mystery to many tourists. While many are charmed by the slower pace on the island they are not sure why it is slower in some places than others.

The debate on standardizing time on the island has bedeviled local politics for decades. Conservative proponents make a strong argument for sticking with a year they know brought prosperity rather than subjecting residents to the vagaries and whims that may come with accepting a new year every twelve months. Futurists say that the past is the past and the future is the future, so there! In the middle is the moderates who have tried to bring the factions together by proposing a common era or decade for all with limited success.

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IoWNews Blog Admits "No new stories"

Bring back our editor!

There have been rumours circulating across the internet that the Isle of Wight News blog has had something happen to it in the eight, nine? months since its last entry.


There have been rumours that the editor has been abducted by aliens, that the CIA noticed one of the stories matched one of their 'overthrow a government' plans or that the editor had been on a massive, murderous rampage, taking out all the contributors. None of these rumours are true.Nor is it true that the Isle of Wight sank into the sea, was towed closer to France by Jersey and Guernsey island pirates nor has it been merged with the Isle of Dogs and renamed Isle of Poodle.


The truth of the matter is that the editor got a little fed up with the Isle of Wight News Blog, and wanted to concentrate on 'There's An App For It' instead for a while, even going as far as producing App World! a book for the Kindle. Not satisfied with that, he got drafted (or draughted, given the alcoholic incentive) into contributing to The Dorking Review, a paper back available from Amazon. However, being a flighty flibbertigibbet, the editor soon tired of inventing apps for the iPhone and writing fictitious stories constrained to a small town in Surrey, and has decided to return - at least for a while - to the Isle of Wight News. No doubt, over the coming months, the blog will be back in full swing, churning more tissues of lies than Kleenex. 


This will all happen once the aliens have returned the editor to his sofa in Dorking.

Isle Of Wight's Most Wanted Evades Capture Once Again

Master criminal and Isle of Wight's most wanted man, Curly O'Halloran evaded police yet again, after a four hour siege in a barn on the outskirts of Shanklin.

The wily thief had recently robbed a bakery van and fled to the secluded barn, with the islands police in hot pursuit. Armed response units were called, and a siege situation took hold.

Fearing that the siege could last days, with O'Halloran bedded in with more than enough baked goods to last him a fortnight, police officers worked hard to try and talk the thief out. But their attempts were in vain.

Unbeknownst to them, O'Halloran was hard at work in the barn constructing his get-away vehicle, using items he found laying around inside.

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Public Toilet Menace

The public toilet at Ventnor

After the news last week that the public lavatory in Shanklin had been left to go feral, it appears that it has formed a pack of feral public toilets roaming the east coast of the Island.

According to eye witness accounts, this pack of feral public toilets is catching the unwary unawares.

"It started with the Shanklin Public Lav," said Carl Parker, councillor in charge of Parks and Parking, and now Toilets. "Due to budget cuts, the toilet had been left uncleaned for a month, and it turned feral."

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The number 852 bus to be removed



Sadly no longer with us

Residents of Ryde are up in arms today after the shock revelation that the number 852 bus is to be removed from the schedule.

"This is intolerable," said Jasper Featherington-Wright, 89. "The 852 is the only bus that connects Ryde to Newport. If we want to get to Newport now, we have to catch the 153 to Cowes and then the 99 to Newport. Intolerable! This adds an intolerable two and a half hours to any bus journey to Newport. Intolerable! It's a good job I go everywhere by car, isn't it?"

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Unfortunate porpoise cannot be saved

A lesser spotted stranded porpoise

Rescuers who attempted to rescue a stranded porpoise have come under intense criticism from animal rights activists for their methods in returning the unfortunate creature back out to sea.

"The stranded porpoise was found on a beach near Brighstone," said animal rights spokesman, Anna Maltesting. "Stranded porpoises are quiet resilient. They could have rolled it back into the water. Now had it been a harbour porpoise then they would have had to be more careful."

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Flying Teacups Over Solent

Sightings are increasing

Residents of Newtown were treated to an unusual spectacle over the weekend as a series of unidentified flying objects were seen hovering over The Solent.

Longtime resident Emma Sandstrom, eighty-three of Dovercourt Crescent, says this was no ordinary UFO sighting.
"We are used to the regular saucers and such which are as common as a stray dog around here on clear nights but this was none of that."

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Weekend Rioting at Puckpool Park

Result of Google search for "Youngs Rocking Police Car"

Rioting broke out this weekend late Saturday outside of Puckpool Gardens in Ryde. The riot began with local youths who are believed to have over indulged at the Puckpool Tea Garden after a long afternoon of mini-golf and Pétanque.

The two Ryde youths now in custody, Jason Youngs and Karl Fettling, both 17, have no prior convictions and are believed to be good students. Youngs and Fettling thought they would end their day with a bit of tomfoolery by rocking a parked police car.

Tom and Ben Harder who farm near Yaverland were in for the visiting for the day at the Gardens noticed the youths struggling to rock the car and immediately volunteered to assist the young gentlemen in overturning the cruiser.

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David Pugh was a victim of phone hacking

Alison at her exchange

Councillor for the Isle of Wight, David Pugh has come forward as yet another victim of the Snooze of the World Phone Hacking Scandal.


"It came to light that journalists were listening in on my telephone calls late last month," said Pugh. "Alison, the receptionist on the island had been taking bribes from journalists so they could listen to my conversations."


The Isle of Wight is the last place in the world where all calls are routed through a single, manually operated telephone exchange. The exchange has been a tourist feature since 1972 when the large glass window was installed, but Pugh is angling to have Alison replaced by a computerised exchange.


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Chain Ferry prices set to increase

The new prices are now displayed

There is anger in Cowes as news emerges that the chain ferry tariff is set to increase from next month.

The chain ferry that has been in operation for over a hundred years almost continuously, give or take the occasional break down (the last lasted nearly nine years), is a vital crossing point for motorists wishing to avoid the half hour journey around from one side of Cowes to the other.

"This is disgraceful," said local resident Harold Barrelled, 64. "I've been an avid user of the chain ferry for the past seventy years, and to suddenly announce a price hike is outrageous. It's not like there's any reason for a price increase! This is profiteering on a massive scale! Whatever next? Will they charge for breathing in the sea air?"

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Manhunt for Suicide Bomber Intensifies

Mattresses landed as far away as Wootton

Ryde - The shocking explosion set off by what police believe was a suicide bomber in a local mattress factory has set off one of the largest manhunts in recent memory to track down and apprehend the villain.

News of the explosion has only surfaced recently due to material evidence discovered. Most likely the large numbers of mattresses in the factory muffled the sound of the explosion and the explosive effect of the bomb but the potential consequences were no doubt lethal if the explosion had taken place in public.


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Annual Pommel Horse Polo Match a Draw

Daisy, the retired pommel horse

The annual Pommel Horse Polo match between Wooton and Cowes was held Sunday at Wooton Bridge with both teams struggling valiantly to hold out for a draw. Wooton captain Neil Harcourt said "While Cowes has more experience we have newer pommel horses so we knew it would be close."

This is the tenth year that the match has taken place with all matches so far ending in a draw.

Umpire Javier Scarza explained that players are evenly matched, he knew it could be anyone's game when he bowled out the first ball between the players and their mounts.


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Children of Wootton get a wall

The wall is made from reclaimed brick

Two years after taking away the play equipment in the rec just off Gamble Lane in Wootton, the council have finally relented to people-pressure to return facilities to the park.

What they have provided is a wall.

"It's a nice wall," said local resident, Jessica Montgomery, 12. "But it's not a swing or a roundabout or a seesaw. It's not even a tyre on a rope."

The old play equipment was taken away when it was determined that it was too dangerous for children to play on. 

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Traffic lights to be automated

Frank in 1979

The budget cuts sweeping the UK are not leaving the Isle of Wight out, with the Island council asked to trim their budget by twenty percent, or nearly five hundred pounds.

One of the more tragic cuts is the enforced early retirement of Frank Exchange, 59, of Newport. Frank has been changing the lights on Georges Lane in Newport since they were installed in 1979. He has been a familiar figure every day between seven and seven, rain or shine, in his booth at the side of the road. In order to save money, Frank will be replaced by an automated system.

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Isle of Wight Mardi Gras under fire

This year's parade will have floats

Isle of Wight Councillor David Pugh has come under fire for renaming the Isle of Wight Spring Festival the "Isle of Wight Mardi Gras". This carnival and tourist attraction is to be held on the ninth of April and this has angered local pedants.

"The Spring Festival has been called this in all the years it's been running," said local resident Nick Erlastic. "About five years now. How dare they decide on a whim to rename it? And on top of this, they've renamed it to Mardi Gras. Do these people not speak any French?"

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Political Unrest Expodes Across Island

F on a double, and 50pt bonus!

Ventnor - Public sentiment against David Pugh's Inaction Plan and possible implementation of government restraint measures has reached a fever pitch across the island with public skirmishes and demonstrations of show of force against the government taking place in most major cities outside of the capital Newport which remains firmly in government control.

Rebel leader Marjorie Stevens, seventy-seven of 2 Bettworth Crescent, announced "It's high time elected councilmen looked to see which side their bread is buttered on."


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